In a variety of contexts, it is important to be able to be a good listener. I want to be at my best when listening to family and friends. Likewise, in a professional context, it is important to listen to customers, and colleagues alike. Internalizing others struggles helps you to empathize with them and offer genuine help where possible.

Why is being a good listener so difficult?

Sometimes I find it challenging to be a good listener. Over the years I have become better at it, but it is something that has taken practice. To start with, there is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is the biological function where your body perceives sounds. Listening requires focusing on what you hear but with some added intention. The problem is that even when we think we are listening, many times internal biases take over and garble the message. In addition, many times our brain will make some cognitive leap based on our personal beliefs that does not align with those of the speaker.

Levels of listening

To become a better listerer, it is important to acknowledge the different levels of listening that are possible

• Ignoring: this is the default. When we ignore we are not putting any intent behind what we hear, or in some cases we are actively intending to block out the things we hear.
• Pretending: and the Oscar goes to… Sometimes we act like we are listening, we give the speaker all the cues that we understand them. However, if we are asked a question, we cannot give a valid response.
• Selective: when we listen selectively, we tend to drift in and out of truly listening. We might even want to listen, but something else (internal or external) pulls focus.
• Attentive: here we pay attention and concentrate on what is being said. At this level, we might be described as a good listener. We use facial expressions appropriately to cue the speaker into the fact that we want to hear them. We might summarize, paraphrase or tell a story. However, we are still relating what we hear back to our own experiences and belief system.
• Empathetic: at this level, we are listening to understand from the speaker’s point of view. It’s important to listen to the words, but also consider how the words are said and other cues such as body language. We should talk less, and when we do, ask questions that encourage the speaker to open up and elaborate on THEIR point of view.

Rapid Repeat: A strategy to help become a more active listener1

Aside from our biases, one of the reasons that we find it difficult to be an active and empathetic listener is that people tend to speak slower than we think. As a result, we drift from the conversation. To help overcome this, one method which can be helpful is to say word for word in your head the words of the speaker. It can be a bit challenging at first, but it helps you to focus on the conversation and takes up the extra mental bandwidth keeping us from engaging in active listening.

References

1. I learned this technique from a training from Bite Sized Learning ↩